With as much as people like to talk about themselves, you’d think creating a website to talk about yourself would make you feel good. Except, as I’m finding out today, what it really does is turn you into a mess of insecurity.
I’m ashamed of how my website looks. I’m ashamed of my earlier ham-fisted attempts at content. I’m ashamed of how long it’s been since I bothered with upkeep on it. I’m cringing as I write this because now you’re going to go look at the website that has brought me such shame.
Don’t bother telling me that it’s fine; I know. But my inner editor doesn’t get that. Part of me is thinking, “This doesn’t live up to how awesome you are.” I like that part of me because at least it has a shred of self-respect. Another part of me is thinking, “Anyone who sees this is going to know how lazy, stupid and/or untalented you are.” That part of me is a jerk I should ignore. Of course, that part of me also talks really, REALLY loud, sort of demanding to be heard.
On top of that, I’ve spent a good deal of my life getting slapped down every time I try to hint to other people that maybe, just possibly, I am good at something. If I’m not simply ignored or dismissed outright, I get challenged. Think you’re good, Ericka? Prove it. Then prove it again. And if I manage to both keep their attention and prove I know what I’m doing – I’m rude. Arrogant. I’m not being fair to everyone else. I should stop making it all about me.
Add to the mix fighting with web page editors, finding a template I like but being unable to customize it easily, sorting through endless menus trying to find how to fix the thing that needs fixing and the sheer frustration of being a web developer, darn it, who just can’t manage a stupid WYSIWYG interface on a commercial site – I’m not sure I could have found an activity better suited to give me a flaming case of impostor syndrome than making a freaking author website.
So if I seem a little snippy lately (yes, there’s a story there), it’s just the cognitive dissonance of creating a site to glorify myself that is making me feel like there is nothing glorious about me.
Ericka Kahler 